wwcitizen: (Rainbow Flag)
This is from a friend of mine - who has REALLY great taste in funny jokes - most of which I can pass along very easily. Thanks,  Glen!
______________________________________________________
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him sternly and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
wwcitizen: (Steve - Demonned Face)
A rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
wwcitizen: (Cruise Ship)
An 85-foot custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 state rooms, a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation, twin super-charged diesel engines, etc.

$7,474,793.73
***********************************************************
Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream, string quartet music dockside for the excited 'soon to be owner' and a small group of his friends:

$4500.00


***********************************************************
2 corporate representatives, crane, and rigging:
$2,500.00 an hour minimum...

a faulty turnbuckle...
$25.00


***********************************************************
(Note the owner in the stern/back of the yacht)

Watching your 7 million dollar dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by 2 corporate representatives from the company that built it just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork and handing over a 7 million dollar cashier’s check...



PRICELESS!
And, how has your day been so far?

FYI: No fish were harmed in the making of this post. Startled, perhaps, but not harmed.

wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
Little boy:  'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
Joey: 'Yes, Father, it is.'
Priest: 'And who was the girl you were with?'
Joey: 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Priest: 'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
Joey: 'I cannot say.'
Priest: 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
Joey: 'I'll never tell.'
Priest: 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
Joey: 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
Priest: 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
Joey: 'My lips are sealed.'
Priest: 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
Joey: 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Joey: 'Four months’ vacation and five good leads ...'
wwcitizen: (Happy Moose)
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

The baby mole tried and tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because the bigger moles were in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!!
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, and Skater Barbie all for $19.95. The Divorced Barbie is $265.95."

The amazed father asks, "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House & Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Say, aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They then parted ways. Some years later when they met again, the Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks. He wanted to borrow $5,000 and let them know that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
A 15-year-old Amish boy and his farm-weathered father were in a mall. Since this was their first time in a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw: the bright store fronts, the merchandise, and the people dressed in much different clothing than theirs. Especially intriguing were two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I do not know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement from a distance at the doors opening and closing, an old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls. She pressed a spot on the wall that lit up! The wall opened! The lady rolled her wheelchair between the open doors into the small room.

The wall closed. Mouths agape, the boy and his father watched small numbers above the split in the wall light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number lit up. After a few seconds, surprisingly, the numbers began to light up sequentially in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, young blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go to the buggy and get your mother."
wwcitizen: (Steve - Pastel)
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Free Press, a local newspaper in Kinston, NC, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Bubba Yancey, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

Just makes me proud to be from North Carolina
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault! Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he yelled even louder, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, the minister sat down, wiping beads of sweat off his brow. The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced, with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
wwcitizen: (Purpole Drag Queen)
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "But, well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Isn't there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, broad shoulders, dark brown hair, and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........
No one moves...................
He removes his shirt.................
Muscles ripple across his chest and down his abs...........
She gasps.....................
He whispers.................





"Iron this for me... then get me a beer."
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento


When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
wwcitizen: (AnxiousFace)
Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated
from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one is (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the Louisiana
State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
wwcitizen: (Laughing Bear)
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, straight mens' hearts beat quicker, their throats get dry, they get weak in the knees, and they begin to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?








It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
wwcitizen: (PigInABlanket)
A little old lady is walking down a street in Green Bay dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me!' And waves him off.

'Well, ma'am, now, not so fast,' says the cop stopping her in her tracks. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, huh-uh', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Ouch!
wwcitizen: (New Year Ball)
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.
wwcitizen: (Gimme a hug)
Finally!!


Here it is.


The answer to the question we


have all been heading and asking


for sooooo many years!!



And the answer is:



YES!!





(I apologize unreservedly for this joke, but it made me giggle in a lethargic state even, so hopefully, it'll brighten your Friday, too! Oh, and if perchance you don't know the question, please let me know...)
wwcitizen: (Uuuuuuh)
DISCLAIMER: I don't typically post things like this, but this made me groan...
__________________________________
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies....




















'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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Stephen Lambeth

May 2017

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